


steven (is)n't gonna have a baby

by cooki3berry



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Comedy, Connie is confused, Crack, Crystal Gems, Garnet - Freeform, Homeworld (Steven Universe), Older Connie Maheswaran, Post-Steven Universe: The Movie, Pregnancy, Steven Universe Future, Steven is done with this, The gems don't understand biology, amethyst - Freeform, idiot gems, pearl - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 11:07:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28634490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cooki3berry/pseuds/cooki3berry
Summary: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApZywk7Ux6k&list=PLMoKvYXdY8oi0fpMlPZDjwSI3SCeIf-qK&index=20this is the original inspo for this, all credit goes to them!basically this is after or before future (up to u), but in this world the gems no a lot less about humans.some of the words in this story are taken EXACTLY from the audio, so remember all credits go there!_____steven has to convince everyone that he ISN'T going to have a baby and die rn.this is a crack/joke ficsteven is not pregnant btw please don't be weird
Comments: 1
Kudos: 20





	steven (is)n't gonna have a baby

**Author's Note:**

> this is really lame sorry but i thought it was kinda funny lol

Steven sat on the floor of his beach-house bedroom, mindlessly flipping through TubeTube on his phone. He currently was waiting for Connie to come over! Connie, him, and the gems were planning on hanging out and watching the premiere of the Spirit Morph Saga Television Re-Make!   
He passed a variety of videos including Song MV’s, adorable kittens, and theories from Ronaldo’s channel, Keep Beach City Weird. Steven continued to look around on his phone, bored. He stopped on his picture app, browsing through his photos of his travels and his photos with the gems he met. He had selfies with blue and yellow, who were playfully fighting with water on Homeworld. There was also a lovely picture of him and Connie, sitting on the beach. Connie was in a beautiful peach-colored dress with a colorful beaded headband in her dark hair. She looked beautiful. He smiled at her for a moment.   
Just then, he got a text. It was from Connie!

Con<3: Be there in 15! can’t wait :)

Steven responded with a smiley face and sat up. He could hear the warp pad activate downstairs below him. Was garnet home? She had been out helping one of her students with an assignment. it was quite last minute, so she warped out as soon as she could. Now that she was back, they almost had everyone for the Premier! He headed down into the living room, seeing a frantic looking garnet wildly looking around the house.   
"Steven!" She yelled. He ran up to her, confused. What was making garnet freak out like this?   
Garnet activated her gauntlet and punched him right in the stomach, above his gem. he assumed that that was on purpose, not to crack him or anything crazy like that.  
"Oof-!" He clutched his stomach in pain. "Garnet what the heck??!" Steven shouted. Garnet placed her regular hands on his sides and lifted him, carrying him like how they all used to when he was a kid. She had calmed down, but she was literally crying nearly.   
"Steven, you are one of my favorite people in the whole world and if I lost you now I have no idea what I would do! I had to stop you from throwing your life away." She shook him slightly, her visor glinting. "Wait a few more years Steven! we need you here!" Okay, what? Steven had no idea what on earth she was saying.   
"What the heck are you talking about??" he grunted, his stomach still hurting.  
"The baby inside of you, Steven. Don't think I didn't know." She still held him, but now by the back of his shirt. Steven was literally bewildered.  
"I'm NOT pregnant, garnet!? WH-" He was cut off by garnet, who looked very pleased with herself now.   
"well, definitely not anymore." She held her free hand to her visor, before looking back down with the same worry as before. "Actually, wait that punch may not have completely worked," Garnet said, summoning her gauntlet again.   
Just then, Amethyst and pearl walked in from the other room. They looked concerned.   
"What is going on in here?" Pearl asked. She glanced at garnet who was still holding Steven up. “Oh, Garnet, you’re back.” They both walked to Steven, who was VERY relieved that they had come just before he got sucker-punched again.  
“Hello. My future vision said that Steven is pregnant.” Garnet said, turning to him.  
At that, Amethyst immediately punched him in the same place garnet had.  
“Ow wh-” Steven doubled over again.  
Tears and dread engulfed Pearl’s eyes. “No, Steven!! We can’t lose you!” She took a deep breath in and with a look of fierceness and dedication she composed herself somewhat. “We need to do something about this, as soon as possible.” She drew out her phone. “I’ll check for nearby doctors who are able to help! Garnet, go get ask him to help us convince Steven to change his mind.”   
“Right.” said garnet before dropping Steven on his butt and racing out the door.   
“Amethyst,” Pearl continued, “Stay here with Steven and INTERROGATE him.”  
“I’m right here guys!” Steven yelled, but he was ignored.  
“Okay!” amethyst responded to Pearl, then turned to face Steven. “Okay dude, there is no reason for you to do this right now!” She grabbed her whip and ran around him, tying him up. “Steven! We love you, man! We know you want kids, but like, you’re really young!” Steven looked at her, and then at pearl who was furiously tapping at her phone.  
“But I’m NOT-” He was cut off AGAIN. Amethyst hauled him over to the floor near the couch, his head awkwardly dragging on the wooden floor as he was pulled by her whip.   
“Steven, it's gonna be okay!” He stared at her with an expression that read ‘are you serious right now’ before realizing that they weren’t gonna listen. At that moment, garnet burst into the room.   
“Greg isn’t in beach city!” she said. That was fast. Her hair was messed up slightly. How fast was she going? Her intense entrance knocked down a mug and some papers onto the floor, and there was a slight fire following her that had thankfully, burned out. It left dark tracks onto the wood.  
Pear looked slightly upset but she tried not to panic.   
“That’s okay, we’ll just have to talk to him without him! Garnet, do you have your phone?” Pearl asked. Garnet nodded her head. “Perfect, in a few minutes, call him.”  
Steven suddenly remembered.  
“Connie!” he blurted out. The three gems turned to him.   
“Right! She must have information!” Pearl exclaimed, before going back to her phone. “Aha! There’s an OBGYN two miles from Beach City, but we’d need an appointment. Luckily, she has an emergency appointment system and we can get an appointment in a few hours, at 4:00!” She looked pleased, but then looked back at Steven with worry. “Let’s see if I can get an even faster time…” Pearl quietly muttered, turning back to her phone.  
Garnet and Amethyst were “Interrogating” Steven, but they were doing a really bad job at it. He couldn’t get a word in! They also were arguing between themselves.   
“He’d be a mother because mothers are the people who give birth!” Amethyst replied to Garnet.  
“No, he would be a father because Steven is a male. It’s simple.” Garnet said calmly.   
“Wait, whos the mother/father???” They both turned to Steven, uncomfortable, who wasn’t really paying attention.   
“What?” He said, oblivious. Once the question settled in his mind, his face turned red. He shook his head violently and tried to hide his face to the best of his ability.  
“NO. No. no. no. no.” Garnet and Amethyst went back to bickering when pearl yelled;   
“Aha! How does 2:45 sou-” Pearl was cut off by the door slamming open.  
“What the-?” They all glanced over to the door and there stood Connie. Steven’s head hung in shame as Connie glanced around the room. The paper on the floor, the mug with the spilled water, Garnets fire tracks, Pearl standing with her phone frantically tapping, Amethyst and Garnet arguing, and a tied-up Steven on the floor looking at her pleadingly.   
At once, all three of the Crystal Gems shouted.   
“Steven’s Pregnant!!”

Connie had no idea what to say. 

Then, in a sudden burst of tension, all four of the gems started arguing, Steven included! Pearl pulled Connie aside.  
“Connie, do you know if you can help us learn more about all this? Your mother is a doctor. I wonder if she-” Pearl continued rambling to Connie.   
Then, there was a flash of pink light.   
“Sto-o-o-o-p!” Steven yelled, glowing. He had broken free from the whip and was flying in the air. The pink faded from his skin and he gracefully floated down. “Guys. I am NOT having a baby. I never was. I’m a boy, I physically cannot do that!” he walked up to all of them. “Please calm down, or else we are gonna miss the FREAKING premiere!”

In the end, they all got to watch the premiere, and the gems got a lesson on human biology from doctor Mahaswaran.


End file.
